Chapter 3

Daughter

The house was dark when I reached home. Mum had already retired for the night.
For no reason , I felt a sense of relief coming over me, calming me. I took out my pyjamas and went to bath myself out of my sweat.

I used to chat to my brother with a cup of Milo and some biscuits every night before I sleep. He was always there, supporting me. When I knew that he had developed cancer, I refused to believe him, until I saw him lying down on the satin white hospital bed. That night was one of the worst night which I had ever gone through. I never feel so much pain in me before. The feeling of losing someone dear is such an excruciating pain. I miss him so much; he was the only person in this world whom I can pour out my feelings without any sense of insecurity.

I sat on the table and caressed the smooth texture of the leather-bound journal book which I had brought for my brother. He had been scribbling it ever since the first day I gave it to him. My mum had found it in the hospital drawer with a post-it note plastered on it, it says “For my beloved sister.” It had been a year, but I have not read it. The feeling of losing my brother due to cancer is still deep and raw within my heart. I am afraid my tears will spill out from the corner of my eyes again. Suddenly, I remember the leaf that had fallen into my palm. It was a sign.

I gingerly flipped open the journal, and a piece of letter dropped out onto my lap.
I hesitated for a while before unsealing it. I started to read

Dear sis,

By the time you read this, I will be dancing with one of the beautiful angel above. Be happy for me. When I knew I had cancer that time, the first thing that came into my mind was you. I told myself I must survive this whole trail for you and mum’s sake. But I know that I must too prepare for the worst, I knew that I am not going to stay in this Earth for long. I need you to be strong for Mum’s sake. For you, you still have me. This journal is for you. Do not think this is a day to day story telling of my life only, I know what you are facing right now. I know it.

Heed your brother’s advice, running away is not a way to solve your problem. Remember once when you were still young, you asked me the meaning of Utopia. I told you that the meaning for it is an ideal place for people to live in. You asked me in that sweet voice of yours that is this utopia world. I lied that time, because you were still young to fully comprehend the state of our world. Right now, I think I can tell you the truth. You, yourself had already experience the bitter and sweet sides of life. I had seen you struggled with your own individuality, fighting your own belief and live your life so fiercely that I need to take my cap off you. The meaning of Utopia holds lots of variation for a person. One might want the basic necessities to have their own utopia world, One might want to set up a family to create their own little utopia world and one might want more possession to have their utopia state. For me, my utopia world is seeing our family living blissfully together. I already had that for the past 27 years of my life. I am satisfied with that.

So, sister, what are you asking for in your own utopia?

Yours dearest brother

Mum

The Christmas season is approaching soon. I can see my neighbours busy decking their living room with tonnes of mini Christmas tree and snowman when I am spraying some air freshener into my daughter’s bedroom. Christmas used to be a joyous occasion when my son was still breathing on this Earth. But now…I am not too sure anymore.

I felt that my own daughter is drifting away from me and I am helpless about it. She is so polite and moderate in her replies nowadays. There is a hint of formal tone between us. Wherever I try to chat with her in an amiable way, she will cut the conversation off halfway and walk away from me. I miss the times when she will come running into my embracement. I let myself into her room and breathe in the flowery scent of her room.
I looked at those pictures that she had put in frames on her table. There are a lot of pictures that she had taken with her friends. Her bubbly character had indeed made her a potential best friend for everyone that she had met over the years. One of the pictures that she had taken with was Jeanette, the school belle. They were the best of friends. They were always stay together, doing everything together. They were even mistaken as sisters sometimes.

I smiled, taking the frame off the table to have a closer look, when I notice a piece of note behind it. Out of curiosity, I picked it up and started to read.

To my beloved,

I am missing you so much that I cannot bear it. We had promised to stay together. But why are you leaving me? Can I come over to your house tomorrow?

From your lover,

Jeanette

I did not know how to react at that moment. For that split second, everything that I had ever know started to fall into places. My daughter aloofness, her sobbing sound in the middle of the night, and the ritual sibling chatting every night, were something that I had knew but never probed about.